Many people enter therapy with limited awareness of their personal boundaries. For some, the language of boundaries is unfamiliar; for others, it has been used in ways that feel rigid, moralistic, or blaming. Difficulties with boundaries generally have their roots in early relational experiences, particularly where there has been neglect, intrusion, or a lack of emotional recognition.
Rather than being explicitly taught, boundaries form implicitly in early relationships, especially in family life. When caregivers recognise a child as a separate person, with their own feelings, needs, and limits, a sense of distinction between self and other gradually develops. When that recognition is absent or inconsistent, a person’s developing sense of self may remain vulnerable, and their boundaries will likely be weak, sporadic, or overly rigid.
Boundaries are not rules we impose on ourselves or others, as is commonly assumed. They are felt experiences that arise at the interface between self and other.
A simple illustration may help:
If someone steps on your toe, several internal processes must occur for you to protect yourself. First, you need to register the physical sensation, recognise it as unpleasant, and feel entitled to point out the intrusion. A person with underdeveloped boundaries may not clearly recognise the intrusion, may dismiss their discomfort, blame themselves, or feel unable to protest. A person with overly rigid boundaries may respond harshly, with blame or defensiveness, without awareness of or concern for their impact on the other person. When boundaries are distorted, there may be an underlying faulty belief that the intrusion is justified or deserved. In each case, the result tends towards either under-reaction or over-reaction.
Boundary difficulties, then, are not failures of assertiveness but expressions of how a person has learned to relate to themselves and others to preserve connection, manage anxiety, or protect the self.
Psychologically, healthy boundaries reflect an internal sense of oneself as a distinct person in relationship with others. Having good boundaries involves recognising and respecting one’s own feelings, needs, values, and limits, while also acknowledging that others have their own. It means neither collapsing into another’s needs nor controlling or intruding upon them.
Healthy boundaries are clear, firm, consistent, and responsive (rather than rigid).T his is not a static achievement. Even people with well-established boundaries find them tested in intimate relationships during times when old relational patterns are activated.
Boundaries differ from psychological defences. While boundaries help preserve a sense of integrity and self-coherence, defences develop to protect against emotional pain by limiting awareness of feelings or emotional proximity.
When boundaries are too permeable, a person may feel overwhelmed, invaded, responsible for others’ emotions, or at risk of losing themselves in relationship. When boundaries are overly rigid, a person may withdraw to maintain a safe distance from others or to guard against vulnerability being exposed. Both positions can be understood as adaptive attempts to manage relational risk based on earlier experience.
Developing healthier boundaries is not simply about learning new behaviours. It involves strengthening the internal capacity to recognise, tolerate, and express one’s own experience while remaining connected to the other. In therapy, this often begins with noticing subtle signals, such as discomfort, resentment, guilt, or withdrawal, that suggest a boundary may be strained. These moments frequently connect to deeper fears of abandonment, shame, or disconnection.
Becoming well-boundaried can initially feel uncomfortable or wrong, especially when it challenges long-held beliefs about responsibility, loyalty, or self-worth. A key part of the process is recognising that having boundaries is not about blaming others for their behaviour, but about responding to one’s own experiences and needs with greater clarity and care.
Boundary development is an ongoing relational process that evolves through reflection and lived experience. By understanding how boundaries were shaped, crossed, or defended in earlier relationships, and gradually integrating healthier boundaries, clients find they can tolerate both closeness and separateness with greater steadiness, remaining connected to others while also feeling internally grounded and whole.
My perspective on boundaries has been shaped by my training in both Gestalt and Masterson psychotherapies. Early in my clinical work, I benefited greatly from the clarity of Anne Katherine’s writing on this subject, particularly her 1993 book, "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin".
Maggie Down
Counselling on Stirling
