Understanding Shame

What is shame?

Shame is the deeply held belief that one's being is flawed. Shame can manifest as a core feeling of not being good enough (no matter how hard we try), of not deserving, of not feeling worthy, of not being lovable. Shame can also be well disguised. People with seeming high self-esteem can also be very shame-bound.

If we have grown up with deep feelings of shame, we will find that it disrupts our lives in profound ways. It affects our identity (our sense of who we are), our intimacy with others, and our self-esteem. Shame can affect self-esteem in markedly different ways – we may feel either better or worse than others.

Common indicators of shame include feeling as though we: Counselling On Stirling: Counselling For Low Self-Esteem, Family Conflict, Depression, Relationship Problems And Shame

are exposed	are a fraud
have no voice	are powerless
have to cover up	want to disappear
are foolish	are too needy
are too vulnerable

If we are ‘shame bound’ we may find such feelings intrude persistently as a constant sense of self, or we may be better defended against these feelings yet find we are too easily deflated by innocuous triggers, such as being overlooked or corrected. We may even experience ‘shame attacks’ in response to certain triggers, where the experience of shame is so searing and so overwhelming that we are virtually paralysed by the intense wave of disconnection and unworthiness that ensues. A severe shame attack may persist for days or even weeks.

Shame is not our true identity – it is a learned belief about self. This faulty belief underpins the development of a false or adapted self.

Origins of shame

If we have developed a strong shame identity, invariably this will have its origin in childhood. Non-nurturing experiences, which can include abuse, neglect and enmeshment, will all contribute to the shamed sense of self.

Family shame, such as a parent's alcoholism or psychiatric disorder, and cultural shame, such as belonging to a marginalized ethnic or indigenous group, will compound personal shame. Children lack developed boundaries. There is little protection from family or cultural shame, particularly in dysfunctional families.

Shame comes in many forms (see the list below for some examples of how children are shamed) and is directed towards the developing self in countless verbal and non-verbal ways. The 'lesson' of shame is all the more indelibly learned if the messages are repetitive and if there is no opportunity to talk about the experiences. Serial abandonment (emotional or physical) is a powerful teacher.

Further examples of how children acquire shame are outlined in Appendix 1 below.

Healing shame

We heal shame as we come to deeply understand that our true nature is separate from our assumed but faulty belief about self. As we undertake our therapy or other forms of self development, as we challenge the distorted beliefs we have held about ourselves for a lifetime, as we heal our wounded inner child, as we address our addictions, as we discover lost parts of our being, we reduce our shame core.

Identifying shame and understanding our own shame process empowers us to modulate and manage shame. For example: What triggers my shame? What are the many faces of my shame? How do I experience a 'shame attack' (perhaps rage, perhaps implosion')? What supports me through the shame attack and back to a sense of being ok? What minimizes my shame-susceptibility?

Shame reduction is a long-term and possibly ongoing endeavour for most people who have had an adverse childhood. It is rewarding to notice changes over time which indicate that shame is healing, such as overcoming procrastination or discovering one’s fear of public speaking has diminished.

Maggie Down
Psychotherapist and Counsellor